Birthday present!

YES! My birthday's Friday. Mom and Dad got me this and it came early.

Irony

Tonight I shook a multi-billionare's hand. My dad's is softer. Does money solve more problems than it creates?

Everything's missing but nothing's wrong?

It's one of those fine days when you just want to take a long quiet walk and just let everything soak in. Just breathe in all the air you can. The wind is so crisp and clear, too! This is one of those days that I can just smile, looking ahead, and trip over all my surroundings.

Sometimes I wonder what's worth the fight when everything is said and done. Que sera, sera... the song of bittersweet apathy.

I feel like such a renegade at war when I turn around and realize where I am and where everyone else is. How is everyone able to do it right? Why will I never be like them? Do I need to? Should I want to? Who's really the smart ones?

Windy days make me think like this.

Sporadic

I have a friend with ADD. He has terrificly random thought processes. I almost envy him. In fact, I think I could admit to that. I'm studying his patterns closely, trying to apply them to my own brain. It's working a little. Maybe it's not his ADD that I am envious of, maybe it's because he can speak about whatever he's thinking about whenever he wants to. Sometimes I'm short for words. Sometimes I just don't want to be really real with people. I want to start.

I told my friend the other day at work that I wanted to go to the zoo because I haven't been in years. She looked at me like I told her that I watch Barney. I still really want to go to the zoo. I'm hoping that this will help me to write more creatively and more often. I'm mostly afraid of mediocrity, and in all of my art. This is a fear I need to get over.

...

School is gonna be tough this semester. I don't know if I've already mentioned that. I've already written a paper, done some research, and presented a speech. I almost wish I was still in high school... almost. See ya'll around this week.

MY snow!

Hey everyone. May not be a blog today. I've been out in the snow and taking pictures and videos. Take this link to my photo albums. By the way, if you all never noticed, there should be a little section over there on the side panel (--->) that says "Photos I'm Taking". It will list all my new photo albums and when they were posted. Keeps em coming, Olive! See yall on the streets.

God talking about love.

I don't normally post twice in one day. The last blog was written around midnight last night. This was written this morning at school.

I lied in bed last night and all it took was two or three words to let God know I was listening, and He didn’t hold back. I almost feel like he was yelling at me, like Lawrence that one day in the field in front of his house. It was loving, but it was firm.

I can’t go on only thinking about myself. To see reality again like I did yesterday would take me forgetting about myself and embracing other peoples lives. I’m reading a book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. He says love feels so amazing because you forget about yourself and think about the other person instead. The other person’s life becomes yours, and yours becomes theirs. I don’t feel like he’s limiting this type of love to “marriage” or “girlfriend”. I think this love is what we’re supposed extend to all people.

Since I embraced faith in Christ, I’ve discovered its ultimate simplicity and how very logical it all is. At the end of all my personal journeys and diehard attempts at running my own life, I now always realize that it’s perfectly logical to give it to Christ. If I can’t run my own life, why not give it to someone else? Someone who is absolutely perfect and good. It makes a lot of sense.

At the same time, if all the time I spend trying to make myself feel better is wasted, then why not give all that time and effort to someone else, to other people? It makes a lot of sense. Though it’s likely that I won’t change anytime soon, at least I’ve written this down. At least I can challenge myself.

There is a drama and theatre class across the hall from me right now. I’m currently waiting for government class to start. Now I wish I could take electives, whereas I earlier thought I would only be wasting my time. Maybe next semester.

Analytical

There’s a girl at work named Omega. She looks me in the eyes when I talk to her. She will smile and answer my questions or add to my comments. I know nothing about her and she knows nothing about me. I could count on two hands the times I’ve worked the same shift with her and she’s been there almost five months. But she will talk to me like we’re old friends, like we went to school together, or live across the street from each other.

There’s a guy at church named Richard. He never spoke to me until I shook his hand for the first time one day at youth band practice. But he looked at me and repeated something I said once at youth that he really connected to. In that moment of which he spoke, we clicked and I hadn’t even met him. But it’s like we see eye to eye. Like I joined his club instantly, and he could open up. He has shared personal things with me. I can count on one hand the number of conversations we’ve had, but he’s like a relative or a brother. Like an old friend.

There was a woman at Sonic who I served a coney with chili and onions to today. She smiled at me—really smiled—when she handed me her money. I smiled back, wondering what was so different. I asked her if she needed anything extra and she asked for ketchup. I gave it to her from my apron and told her to have a great day, really meaning it deep inside. As I took another order out, she caught me and asked for another fork and a few napkins. I couldn’t resist. When I returned, she smiled at me again the same way. I can remember her face so vivid. She was so friendly, quiet, and real. She treated me like a son or a nephew.

There’s an older man at church who shakes my hand and gives me a hug every Sunday. He knows my name, but I don’t know his. I think I remember seeing his face when the men all went to TBI this past fall. He walked beside me as we all filed around the auditorium praying for each other. This man congratulated me this morning, hearing I had received a 4.0 on my finals last semester. He said he read it in the paper. It shocked me that he was thinking about me and probably had prayed for me that night at TBI, and I’ve never asked him his name.

A few minutes ago I looked at myself and realized I live around heroes and I never knew it. A few minutes ago I thought about how much I wanted a soda, but my mom never buys enough. I also thought about what Hannah really thinks of me. I thought about Dad’s job, and his office on base that I’ve never been to. I thought about Grandpa Mack alone in his motor home, ready to go to work tomorrow. I thought about how I probably won’t be able to get my car started in the morning because of the ice, and how other kids are driving around 2006 Maximas and 2007 Versas.

I can’t do it. I can’t be real and mean things. I can’t even thank God the right way. Even though some people say I can. Some people believe I can. Some people cheer me on. Some people believe in what I’m doing. Some people believe in what I want to do. Right now I can’t seem to. But we have to believe in something if we want to overcome. Today I felt like a radio antenna—receiving signals of reality. Who my little brother is. What my little sister laughs at. That my Granny drove six and a half hours to come see us, giving us the excuse that Mom is selling on eBay for her. That my bosses’ marriages are failing and another manager gets high a lot.

I got reality today because I woke up and forgot that I was here, and started to see that everyone else was. I lost the reality by sleeping it off this afternoon, so that I could be “comfortable” with the rest of the day. I just realized I may never see reality again like I did today, and I went and slept it off. I sold out. I knew what I had and I flushed it away for some pleasure. I can only hope the reversal will help me to get that reality back. The clearness in the air I breathed, the air around me so close and real, so clear and glowing and golden and slow.

Jesus has done too much for me. He must want me bad. I feel so filthy. And now He’s read everything I just typed out, I hope he’ll accept my confession and my desire to repent. I’ll go to Him personally in a few minutes.

Like a dream.

This weekend was a sweet basket or rarities. Like drawing Wild in the UNO card game. Such a blessing. God has granted some peace, even in spite of my inattentiveness. I think he does this to help me remember where I ought to be casting my eyes, but sometimes I fail to make the connection. Either way this weekend was unlike other weekends, which are usually like sores rubbing together in my joints.

Joey and I were able to spend lots of time together. I stayed at his house Friday night and slept on his tile floor. Amazingly enough, though, I ended up getting sleep. When we decided to get up, he went and took a shower and I jumped up on his bed and got about a half hour of sleep, seeming to erase the whole night's discomfort. I wasn't even stiff or sore the next day. Joey and I hung out until Saturday evening. We cooked out at my house and watched Freedom Writers that afternoon.

Freedom Writers is definitely recommendable. It's not a really artsy movie, but there are plenty of good movies made by people other than Stanley Kubrick and Wes Anderson... though those ones are always good for more than one viewing. I guess I liked the movie a lot because of the way the teacher handled things. A good teacher. Recently I've taken interest in pursuing a teaching career, so it was definitely an encouragement. Plus, the movie spoke a lot about how bad some kids' childhoods really are out there in the real world. Though I've heard a taste of bad childhoods before, this only went on the emphasize the reality some people have to face. And how blessed I am while I hardly pay attention.

Today was really weird. I wasn't myself at all. But it wasn't intentional at all. I could sense it from the moment I woke, too. I was full of new visions. The world was present and alive. One thing I've always dreamed of being able to do is to stop all "background thought" while I'm walking through life. Kind of like watching a movie... but living it. Like seeing the world for the world and not what's underneath. It's foolish. I've always dreamed of being able to walk through the world, not thinking about it, not expecting anything to happen, and being surprised and shocked by everything, doing everything differently, and engulfing myself in every conversation with full interest. There's a foolish side and a good side. I guess I'm really dreaming of not having a bias, which would be a good thing; but at the same time, I'm dreaming of not having a conscience, a voice in my head, being alone. A bad thing. I'm going to investigate all of this.

Anyways, I worked two hours and was more clumsy than normal. Dropping things, bumping into things. I hardly said any words to anyone this afternoon. I began to get really tired. I hardly even thought about anything. This was lovely. It was like I forgot I was alive. I forgot I was here. Haha, like a high person. I returned to normal after an hour's sleep on returning from work and I'm only left with a few questions and some new thoughts. I'll make left and right out of this in the next couple of days.

School starts tomorrow.

the Game is on!

Last night's youth group went just as I hoped. No one lost the vision. I think the vision was bigger this time, too. Quite a few from the group got up and shared in "the pour-it-out chair".

Of course, I've been so excited about youth group and so restless for over a month now, that I'd been reading and praying about something to say again. But sitting there last night, I decided I would just listen to what everyone had to say and just build off of that. It worked much better than any "plans" I would have ever made. God's hands are terribly steadier than mine will ever be!

We basically talked about changes that need to be made in our lives and between each other. Cathi talked about how she's run upon a rebirth of Bible reading. I got her Eugene Peterson's The Message for Christmas and it really sounds like it's making sense to her. I was really hoping it would. Joey asked for some prayer and encouragement for things going on with him. Stephanie told us about a realization she had about people she'd been keeping company with, and how she feels like she needs better influences in her life. I got up and talked about how we Christ-followers need to band together, but make sure we keep love between us. On that, I taught about the concept of us making up Christ's body and how we work together (Romans 12, basically).

What really surprised me was that one of the younger kids then got up and said her questions about loving people were answered and how she'd been wondering that for a while. This girl's name is Patti (I don't actually know how to spell it, so I decided to create my own way). She was the one that amazed me the most last night, but probably mostly because I don't know much about her. She stood out among her peers last night. A leader.

Pastor Dot decided that leaders should be brought out of the group and should be used to organize and compile ideas for the upcoming year. She took nominees from the floor. Patti nominated herself. First person to raise her hand. I nominated Joey. Cathi nominated Andrew and Richard Gabe. Marina nominated me. Cathi was nominated by I girl I didn't get to meet. This girl sat in the front row dressed all "emo", and she looked like she was totally into what we were all saying. There were seven of us in all, I can't remember the last nominee, it right under my nose cause I know them so well.

It's exciting. I'm gonna be part of a "planning committee" or something like that. The whole time, I had the "Fellowship of the Ring" scenes when they were all sitting around the ring in Rivendell running through my brain. It was comic. I can't really make left or right out of what I plan to bring forward into this group, so I think I'll just let things work themselves out. I'm just so excited to be part of the game plan.

My first idea is to extend the actual "teaching time" we've got. We were limited to only like two or three minutes each last night. I talk to much... rather, I teach too slowly... inserted to many words and metaphors here and there, trying to cover too much ground when I talk. It was kinda hard. The time limit is not all a bad thing, though. It keeps me at bay so that I can be sure that the time that I DO get is not wasted, and so that nothing goes up to my head.

PRAISE THE LORD. 2007's gonna be a little different.

Fighting the iPod (among other things)

It's already almost Wednesday and I just barely realized that this is the last "break week" my friend's've got until Spring Break! I've still got another week after they get back to school, but I should definitely spend what they've got left wisely.

I was SO looking forwards to New Year that it was crazy, but the party we had with the church was not all that exciting. If anything, it only dissappointed me. We went and saw the Pursuit of Happyness, and it was AMAZING. But being with SO MANY people kinda ruined it. I'm not turning into a RECLUSE or something, but I can't say I enjoy being around crowds as much anymore. Maybe I never used to.

Getting together at the movies, with everyone buying popcorn and drinks and listening to everyone chewing and giggling around me isn't in my best taste. Oh well, the movie was excellent. After that, everyone "hangs out" with their iPod in one ear and the other ear struggling to keep attention to things others are saying. I hate being a stick... but hanging out with and iPod in your ears is frustrating to me. It's just hard to communicate. You'll be trying to say something serious and meaningful and they'll have "American Idiot" playing in one of their ears.

(I love all you guys who have iPods, though. Kinda wish I had one.)

We ended up back at the church, and we ate dinner and played some pool and Nintendo. I receded into the corner and played some guitar. I felt hungry for conversation, and it sometimes starts with guitar, so I experimented. Some of the kids came and listened, but no conversation seemed to be established. Oh well.

After that, we all ended up at Richard Gutierrez's house where we waited for the countdown. Finally we got some conversation started. It was about youth group. For a while I'd been eager conversation with the other kids at youth about changes being made and changes that still need to happen. I'd like some feedback on what everyone thought of the "new concept" we implemented the night back in November.

Looks like we won't be having actual "youth group" again until next week (January 10), and I'm still eagerly awaiting it.

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Tonight was the first night I've been able to sit back and be satisfied with my musical ability. Sure, I composed a WHOLE BUNCHA techno music over the years and I've really been proud of some of those songs, but I never realized what they lacked until now. Since I've entered a new level of music theory, the bar of my musical standards has gone sky high, but I feel at least halfway there now.

I sat on the floor with some song sheets (with chords on em) and I was able to play everything I saw... FINALLY. I've definitely figured out that I am an "acoustic guitarist", and I'm not made for electrics. I bought the thing so I could play at church, but I just don't like the feel, the sound, or the addition to the already existing band at all. So... I'm gonna buy an acoustic-electric tomorrow. That's right... three guitars, but I don't feel bad about it. I've got FIVE keyboards for heaven's sake!

I'm having trouble deciding if I should sell my regular acoustic one, though. For one, it'll free up some space in my room, and for two it'll help me cover the cost of the new one I want. But it would be awfully hard for me to part with it. It was my first guitar... plus I just spend money on new strings, and I kinda want to use em up before I get rid of it. Oh well, we'll find out. If I buy a new one, though, I'll post a picture of it (as is the tradition of mine).

I've got nothing else to say today. See yall around.